Tuesday, October 18, 2016

26 Weeks

I have been slacking with blogging, but it was the last thing on my mind. I have also been slacking on self care and taking time for doing what I need to do for myself. I need to do better about that- even if it is just 5 minutes.

So, a little update. We are having another girl:) we are very exited, and so is our daughter. This baby is carrying super low, and moves all of the time- which is incredibly reassuring. Everything is going smoothly.

I have mentioned before, I think, that I'm a nurse. I recently switched units to a postpartum unit- and I am in love. However. I recently had to get certified forNEP- basically CPR for newborns. It consists of studying, taking multiple tests, and going to a class where you work as a team and run through scenarios proving you know what steps/interventions to take. I didn't think anything about it at first, but the more I got into it the more anxious I got. I was at the hospital I would deliver at, my instructor was a labor and delivery nurse who could potentially be my nurse, while I was learning how to revive newborns. Not what a mom of loss being pregnant wants to think about. I got through it, passed, and was able to calm down, but my anxiety level was pretty high for a couple days. Cue the realization that I need to really take time for myself and relax and destress.

Today, some co-workers were telling me about a ring test to tell you how many kids you will have in your life, and their genders in order- and it also is supposed to show lost babies. So naturally, I was intrigued. Well, here is what the ring said. Girl, girl, neutral, boy, girl. First girl would be our daughter. Second girl would by my loss. Neutral would be the blighted ovum- which technically there is no baby, so there is no gender to tell. Boy would be my 3rd loss. Girl would be my current pregnancy. I was oddly comforted knowing what my lost babies were. A girl and a boy. It doesn't make it better, but I thought about it on my way home from work (my hour drive), and it makes me want to name them. Maybe help bring about more sense of closure. I will have to sleep on it and think about it first, and of course discuss it with my husband- after all, they are his babies too and his losses as well.

Speaking of- I think we forget that men feel loss too. Differently, of course, but they do. So let's remember to be sensitive to the men who feel loss as well as the women. They are probably in a hard place- grieving but also trying to stay strong for her. Basically it is a shitty situation for everyone.

Alright, I digress enough and I am tired and hungry and have to get up and do it all over tomorrow. I will try to be better about blogging. I will be more adamant about giving myself and body the time it deserves. And I will start with going to bed right now and getting a good night's sleep.

Friday, September 9, 2016

20 Weeks 5 Days

Everything has been going great. I have started nesting, that's for sure. I have also been feeling a lot of movement since sometime in week 17- which is a lot earlier than with my daughter. I am wondering if the placenta attached to the back of my uterus because of this, and also how the movements feel. Jesse has felt kicks a few times, they always seem to stop when he tried to feel. Our daughter had felt them too. She laughs and thinks it's funny that the baby kicked her. She is being amazing, and always wants to touch my belly and asks daily to hold the baby. Hopefully this continues after baby is here!

We have our anatomy scan today. I am so nervous. I always expect the worst, so on days of my doctor's appointments I'm not in the best mood. We will be finding out the sex today too, which we didn't with our daughter. I'm incredibly anxious about that as well. I am just afraid with my anxiety and fear that I will have a horrible reaction and come off like I'm not excited- which I honestly don't care. But like any human (or woman), my emotions sometimes take over. I really have no feeling about what the baby is, and I didn't with our daughter either. I'm hoping for a healthy baby who has no anomalies and that the next 18/19 weeks goes quickly!

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

17 Weeks

Sunday turned over into week 17. For about a week and a half now, I have felt little flicks in my lower right side (where I always find the baby's heartbeat), so I figured it was the little movements. Last night after work, I ised our Doppler to find the heartbeat. It had been a while, and I just had a feeling that I needed to. I immediately found it- 140s-150s. It was hard to pick up a number because you could hear the little blips of the baby kicking, and it was going crazy!! It was weird, and comforting because with each blip you heard, I could feel it in my belly. Jesse came over and put his hand right by the Doppler, and was even able to feel a really strong one! I know with Charlie he couldn't feel the kicks until week 21 or 22. So that was really relieving.

At work last week, I used the new bladder scanner on myself- the screen appears as a sonogram, not like the old screen that looks sort of like a colorfully drawn map. I actually found the little baby! The picture wasn't great, since it isn't made for looking at fetuses, but you could see the little arm and body and the cord. At the bottom of the screen it has a measurement, and I thought it said 3.4cm. I stewed on it, and freaked out. A 16 week old fetus needs to be a lot larger than 3.4cm. I was so worried- what if the baby had stopped growing? What if I was the one who found it by freak accident using a piece of equipment at work that I shouldn't have been? Ugh. So I looked back at the pictures, and it said 34cm, not 3.4cm. And it was the area of the picture it took. I looked it up, the baby should be about 11-13cm, so that makes a lot more sense. This next ultrasound cannot come soon enough.

Although I am 17 weeks, so far everything is normal and healthy, almost halfway to the end, it never escapes my mind that something can happen at any minute. You would think I would be excited to use the Doppler. I am actually very nervous. I almost prepare myself each time to not find the heartbeat. And go through what all would have to happen next. Unfortunately, loss can happen after the first trimester, and that fear is never going to disappear. At least until this baby is delivered.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

15 Weeks

On Sunday I turned over into week 15. It was an emotionally stressful day for me. Episodes of crying and frustration. Maybe I had just had it with some things. Maybe it wasn't rational. But as I drove home from work last night, it hit me. Sunday was the due date of the baby we lost in December. Earlier in July I had a moment of thinking, "wow, I could potentially be sitting at home right now holding our newborn." I didn't give too much thought, as I used mindfulness thinking to redirect my thoughts to, "Our baby is healthy and still inside me. We will hold him/her in January." However, I think subconsciously my body just new Sunday that there was a void. I have said it before, but I feel that my body has good intuition. It new that I needed to mourn this day. Yes, I am grateful I have our daughter, and that I am pregnant with a healthy baby. But that doesn't take the hurt of pregnancy loss away. Nothing ever will. Time will help me deal and process it, but I will take these losses to the grave (well, figuratively speaking- I'm not going to be buried, but that is neither her nor there).

I mentioned in my first post that I am a nurse. I work on a Medical Surgical step-down unit. Next week is my last week here, as I am moving forward with my career goal of becoming a Lactation Consultant. I am moving to the Mother/Infant unit. On this unit, there is a high rate of infants going through withdrawal, as well as Children Services issues. So that will be a little difficult to deal with, but there will also be mothers there who have just suffered a loss similar to mine. I am kind of looking forward to those days. Where I can offer to sit with her, and hold her hand if she needs it. Or even offer a simple, "I'm sorry for your loss." It really does help on some level speaking to someone else who has experienced it. It is an odd sisterhood, not necessarily one you want to join, but glad it is there when you need to grieve.

Just know, if you are struggling with grief from loss, there are a lot of us out there, who share our story in hopes you may find some sort of comfort. You will find blogs and social media resources. Reaching out is awkward, but sometimes it is worth it.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

14 Weeks

This past Sunday, I started week 14. The nausea at night is getting a lot better, and I'm starting to get my energy back. I looked back on pictures of when I was pregnant with our daughter, and I am now about the size I was at 20 weeks with her. Which reminds me- I really need to buy new clothes. . .

Today was my doctor's appointment. It was an easy one, one I get really annoyed about. Drive 45 minutes for a 5 minute appointment- weight, vitals, fetal heart beat, any questions, schedule next appointment. However, with this pregnancy, I really really dread my appointments. Each time, I just sit there expecting to get told bad news. Today, I just had a feeling the doctor was going to say, "I'm sorry, I can not find the heartbeat." I have a fetal heart Doppler at home from when I was pregnant with C, and I figured I would use it daily. No. It is a bittersweet item to have. I do check it once a week, but each time it brings out anxiety about not being able to find it. So today, at my appointment, as I was laying there as she tried to find the heartbeat, she searched. And searched. I watched the clock- why they put those in the room is beyond me. It took her 2 minutes and 43 seconds to find it. I was holding my breath, trying to tell C to be quiet (she never stops talking), as I struggled to listen, just begging to hear the little flutter. She finally found it. I wonder if she thinks I am cold or something, because I did smile, but my facial expression was more relieved than happy/excited like it was every time with C. 

It is easy to go on with life and pretend I am comfortable with everything and relieved I have made it this far. But I am not naive- you can lose a baby at any stage of pregnancy. This is going to be a constant battle or emotion until delivery is over. And it is so draining. And it is hard to hide, but I am tired of the remarks and responses people give when I express my concerns. So they are all internal. Which, for me, makes it really hard. 

If you know someone who is going through a miscarriage, who has gone through one, or who is pregnant after one- don't dismiss or downplay their feelings of concern or sadness or anxiety. You may be trying to help ease their mind, but you come off as an annoying asshole. Especially if you have never been through this hell yourself. I am sorry to get defensive, but it isn't helpful. Please, just show support- even by just saying, "I'm sorry, if there is anything I can help with let me know. I am here."

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Mommy Guilt

I am going to touch a little on some mommy guilt I have experienced. Yes, all moms probably have it to some degree, but this is a little different. Already, as I am typing this my eyes are welling up. When I experienced my losses, as I have expressed before, I was overcome by emotions. Especially sadness and grief. I just lossed a baby. And then another. And then another. All within a few short months. It is awful. I can now talk about all of them without crying, but it is still hard sometimes. I would be full term with one of them now, due to deliver any week now. Hard pill to swallow. But how am I allowed to be so heartbroken over this? I already have a child. Am I allowed to feel so down about these losses? All I want to do is go to bed and just sleep for a few weeks (when this was all happening. I mean, extra sleep couldn't hurt me now, right- with a toddler and being 11 weeks pregnant?) but that isn't happening. I have to take care of my toddler. I have a job and reaponsibilities. Yes, I am fortunate enough to have a husband who is very active in our daughter's life, but having said that, she is very much a mama's girl. So most of the time, it's me she wants to do things with. And I feel guilty about that- I shouldn't WANT to not do those things. But sometimes, it would be nice to be able to grieve like I need to. I just felt, and still do, feel so guilty about all the emotions going along with those losses. Please understand that my daughter is everything, and I love her so much, but sometimes it would just be nice to be able to breathe. And cry. By myself.
Another part of this mom guilt I am experiencing is with this new pregnancy. What a whole new ballgame from my first. With her, I enjoyed every minute, even when I felt like shit and was throwing up. Every pain I felt, "oh that's just my body stretching and doing what it needs." I loved it. I was calm and happy. Now? I feel one tiny discomfort and I run. Running in my mind as to where things can go, run to the bathroom to see if I am bleeding. I feel guilty that I am stressed and not able to enjoy this pregnancy like the last. I am constantly worrying. It isn't fair for this baby to have that kind of negativity. I try everything I can to fight that. Unfortunately, I don't think I will stop until the baby is actually born.
For a little update- I am currently 11 weeks 4 days and everything is fine. Still sick/uncomfortable in the afternoon and evenings, but it is definitely getting better. This past weekend I had to start wearing my belly band, as my pants were just not going to button. So I'm obviously starting to show earlier- I started wearing them at like 13-14 weeks with our daughter. So fingers crossed things continue this way.

Katie

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

10 Weeks

Sunday I turned 10 weeks pregnant. Everything is going well- nausea and really uncomfortable in the late afternoon/evening, exhaustion, etc. All normal, healthy signs of pregnancy. Saturday I tried to use my Doppler again, and I did find the heartbeat! At first it was too faint to pick up the rate, but I guessed it was 150s-160s. Later Saturday morning I found it again, and it picked up the rate, and was 166/165 bpm. Our daughter was consistently 160s when we listened to her.
With our first, we did not find out the sex. It was so fun to be surprised, and we did a bunch of the old wives tales to guess what we were having (14/19 said girl, so I think they were pretty accurate). This time, Jesse is really wanting to find out, so I may let him have this one. He thinks it is a girl just from the heartrate, but that is the only reason he thinks girl. Our daughter has named the baby "Bobby," for some reason. I don't know where she heard the name and why she latched on to it. But when I asked who Bobby was, yesterday she replied, "the baby in the baby mommy. The baby sister." So I guess she thinks it's a girl too.
Finding the heartbeat is very relieving and comforting. And now I know it should be there, so when I check and don't find it immediately I know I get a little worked up, but that's expected. I am hoping it never comes down to me not finding it. This can be a huge comfort luxury, that I can check whenever I want, but it can also be an anxiety issue too. So here is to trying to relax and enjoy these little steping stones to meeting our baby.

Katie

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Pregnancy Announcement

After our ultrasound, we felt like it was the time to announce that we are pregnant. I am 9 weeks three days today. That is early, "normally" to announce. Most people wait until the end of the first trimester, when they are "out of the woods." After experiencing loss, I don't know if I will ever feel there is a time when I am ever "out of the woods" again. I have been very open and honest about our losses, so why not about our pregnancy. Sharing during our losses was sort of way to deal with my emotions and to grieve, and frankly just survive during that time. You know, sometimes it is therapeutic to talk about it and just cry. Through sharing my experiences, I have connected with many others, even some people that I knew fairly well, who have had fetal losses as well. It's oddly comforting knowing that you are not the only one, and you didn't do anything wrong and this is nothing to be ashamed of. Through social media, I have joined groups and have had the opportunity to learn about how often this happens, and I told myself that if I could help one person, just by sharing my stories and being there to say, "I know this sucks. There is nothing I can say or do to make it easier, but if you ever want to talk, I am here," that I would. That it was worth sharing my utter hurt and loss.
Pregnancy after loss is hard. It is only the beginning, but there are just so many emotions. Yes, I am beyond happy and excited. But there is the dark side as well. The side I didn't have to experience with my daughter. When I trusted my body, because this was so natural and what my body was meant to do. Now, when my body is experienced, and no longer a novice, I have very little trust, and that is hard for me. I have good intuition, and know my body, its cycles, its strengths, its weaknesses, but I feel almost like an outsider walking on eggshells. The ultrasound showed a healthy baby. However, I know you can lose a baby at any time, not just at the beginning. Therefore, in my perspective, I will never be out of the woods until I deliver this baby.
I will leave you with that, I felt I need to explain myself for some reason. Probably just to help me cope with everything. I do feel a bit relieved. Relieved is a good place right now.

Katie

Monday, June 20, 2016

First Doctor's Appointment

It's finally over. The dreaded first doctor's visit. I am happy to say that things went well, and the baby was healthy and measuring right on schedule at 9 weeks. The heart rate was 185 (Charlie's was 177 at her first ultrasound). The baby was also moving around quite a bit, so that was another good thing. When I was laying there, I couldn't see the ultrasound screen at first, Jesse just looked at me and shook his head "yes." I am still somewhat anxious about everything, but I am definitely feeling better about it.
On a side note- today was a Full Moon and Summer Solstice. I am reading that as a sign of health and fertility. The exam room I was in was room 5- which is my favorite/lucky number since I was young. It is weird how the number still shows up in my life.
Enough with the rambling, I am going to enjoy some Pregnancy tea and relax before some meditation.

Katie

Friday, June 17, 2016

9 weeks

Tomorrow, I should be 9 weeks pregnant with our rainbow. There are days when I am totally excited and look at baby stuff online and it's all I can do not to order the cute little Moses basket. And then I remember that our first doctor's appointment is in 4 days and I get really anxious and nervous. I go through in my mind how I think the appointment will go. What I will say to the doctor, as she has been with us through the last 3 losses (And she is incredible. She spent about an hour in conversation with me the first time). My reaction to the picture on the screen- in each vision I have, I am never looking at the ultrasound screen at first. Sometimes I think I will cover my face. Some I am staring at Jesse. I really don't know how I will react to this pivotal moment in not only this pregnancy, but in my life, as well as our family's. It is an odd feeling- I want this appointment to tell me everything is and will be ok. But at the same time, I don't even want to go. I could go on and on about this. But I won't. Hopefully I will have good news Monday. In the meantime, I will continue taking my extra prenatal vitamin and drinking an obscene amount of water, while using my crystals in meditation (did I mention this appointment was scheduled on a full moon. Like I have said before- nothing is a coincidence), and doing some yoga to relax.

Katie

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Dream Spirit

Lately I have been looking into some not so streamline religions and ways of life. One of my endeavors has been Wicca. I connect on so many levels, and I feel that it is so congruent with my way of thinking. However, for some reason I started researching Native Americans this past weekend. Their thoughts about spirituality and nature are so inspiring. I started reading how many spirits would speak to the priests or priestesses during their sleep in dreams. Trust me, this is going somewhere.
Last night, I had a dream that I was talking to the witch from the movie Brave. She told me, "You won't have any more children." I immediately broke down crying and said, but I have already lost 3, and am actually pregnant again. The only thing she said to me was, "I know."
So, on my hour drive to work this morning I was thinking about this. I don't believe in coincidence anymore, and haven't for a while. So, was this dream a Spirit like I have been reading about? Was this Spirit saying this baby will be my last? Did this Spirit mean that even this baby isn't going to make it?  It sounds a little out there, I know. But it really has me wondering.
This is sort of similar to my fertility Mala necklace I bought. I bought it in March, and it broke in April- 1 week before I found out I was pregnant. Was this the necklace and its energy telling me I am infertile, just forget about it. . . Or the fact that I was pregnant and didn't need it anymore?
I'm sure when people read this they will think all sorts of things. I'm not here to argue religion or even discuss it. I only bring it up because I feel it is pertinent to this part of my story.

Katie

Saturday, June 4, 2016

7 Weeks

Today I should be 7 weeks pregnant. I am exhausted. Hungry all the time. And nauseous at night. It makes trying to rest pretty difficult, and probably only adds to my exhaustion during the day, but I am not complaining. 
Speaking of complaining- is someone who wants a baby so bad, who has lost the last 3, and is finally carrying a baby actually allowed to say, "I am miserable?" This has been running through my mind quite a bit this week. I wouldn't go that far as to say I am miserable, but there have been 2 nights that were pretty close. I am very thankful I am able to feel this way, but I feel like I shouldn't say the "M" word- as if it means I don't want this. I'm probably over thinking.
My pregnancy in November and December that ended in a blighted ovum, I had feelings the entire time that something was wrong. I had mentioned this in my first post, but I told my husband every day I thought something was going to happen. This pregnancy, I don't have those feelings. I am very cautious and sort of dreading our first appointment, but I don't have those inner thoughts that something is wrong. Hopefully my intuition is as good as I think it is. We should know if we made it through the first steps in 16 days- which, not by coincidence, is a full moon.

Katie

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Fetal Heartbeat

So, here is some irrational thinking for you. And may I preface this- I am not an irrational person. I am very realistic.
A fetus should have a heartbeat between 6-8 week, right? So, in my head, since I was 6 weeks yesterday, I should have been able to find the heartbeat with a Doppler. Well, surprise surprise I didn't. And apparently, in my eyes, that means there isn't one and that something is wrong.
I know that it is irrational thinking. But because of everything that has happened with my other pregnancies I just assume the worst.
I cannot relax. I feel like I cannot enjoy this pregnancy- and that is really unfair for this baby. Hopefully things will get better after our doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks.
Until then, I am going to rely on my meditation, yoga practice, and healing crystals to help with my anxiety.

Katie

Friday, May 27, 2016

Introduction

You have to introduce yourself to new people all the time. How do you go about doing it?
My name is Katie.
I am married.
I have one daughter.
I am a Registered Nurse.
I have a dog and a cat.
I like making natural natural products for our home.
I like to watch Real Housewives and Kardashians. 
I do yoga and meditate every day.

I have had 3 miscarriages in 9 months.
I am pregnant again.

 I won't rehash everything- I have done it a million times, to people and in my head. We started trying to get pregnant in June 2015 when our daughter turned 1. Nothing. Nothing. August- nothing. Then, in September, I got the 2 pink lines. So it had started. At 6 weeks I had a "spontaneous abortion." Sounds awful. Basically a miscarriage. There was nothing I could do. I was upset, sad, everything you could imagine. But I thought, "Hey, this happens a lot. This is such a common experience and this isn't going to effect our future of having kids." 
Just a little side note- when people think of miscarrying, they think of bleeding like a period, maybe a little heavier or with clots. Yes. Even the doctor said, "You may have some light, period like cramping." Well, this was like no period I had ever had. This was more like the pain I felt when I was in labor with my daughter. It was horrible. I think people need to be given a heads up about that- it is just one more thing you are going to have to deal with.
Then I got pregnant again. Everything was so normal. I was tired, my boobs hurt, I was nauseous. However, I kept telling my husband I felt like something was wrong. He kept telling me I was just nervous because of the miscarriage and that everything was going to be fine. My heart rate kept going crazy, and it would jump up to 130 even 140. I actually had called the doctor at about 6 weeks because of this, and she said not to worry- every time it happened just get some water and sit down. I looked it up, and this could be a sign of a Molar Pregnancy. I only told him, but at work the day before our appointment I tried to find the heartbeat with one of our dopplers (I am a nurse on a Step Down unit in a hospital). I couldn't find it. At our first OB appointment at 9.5 weeks the doctor did the ultrasound. And immediately I knew. There was the gestational sac, but no fetus. No baby. She just looked at me and told me what was going on, and said she was going to look for a couple more minutes just to make sure she wasn't missing anything. She gave us a minute, then came back in to discuss everything. 
It was a Blighted Ovum. She couldn't tell me what caused it, or if this is what had happened in September. She gave me my options- 1. Let my body miscarry naturally, however there was no telling when this might be, 2. I could insert a medication vaginally that would induce a miscarriage. 3. I could have a D&C, on New Year's Eve. I just wanted this to be over. I chose the D&C.
This time I had a harder time dealing with the loss. Eventually I sought out counseling and even did a Mindfulness Thinking class. We continued to try to get pregnant. 
In February I did a Fertility Yoga class. Nothing.
In April, I decided to take a test 2 days before my period. There was a faint line. The next day it got a little darker. 2 days after my period should have started there was nothing. Another loss.
Our doctor referred us to a Fertility Specialist, but after discussing it quite a bit, we decided we would wait to keep trying for a couple months, and if nothing happened when we picked back up, we would call the specialist. Here is why- because I know a lot of people would think, "If you want a baby so bad, why wouldn't you do everything being offered?" We have one daughter. If we went to a specialist and did all these tests and still didn't get pregnant, we would be out so much money that we wouldn't be able to take her on vacations or do fun things. If we ended up getting pregnant after all the tests, we still would have no money, but have a second child on the way. We decided that if we are unable to have another baby, we would enjoy the family we DO have and be able to celebrate and experience new things together.
This mindset goes on and off on a daily basis by the way. One minute I am perfectly fine with having 1 child. The next I cannot accept that at all- and then I feel guilty for feeling that way, as if it means I don't love my daughter enough.
So we stopped trying (let me clue you in what "trying" means. . . Sex. Every other day from day 9 of your cycle to day 21). I was getting in the shower one morning, as my period should have started the day before, but since I had just had our 3rd loss it may be messed up. I decided to take a test, just for the hell of it, because, you know, I am obsessed with taking them. When I get out of the shower- a 2nd pink line. Fairly dark. I yell for my husband to come in. I yell that I need him now. He sees me standing there naked and thinks it is a come-on. No. I point to the test on the counter and he just stares at it.
That was almost 2 weeks ago. Tomorrow I will be 6 weeks pregnant. I can't tell you how many tests I have taken, to make sure it still says "PREGNANT" and to make sure the lines are getting darker- which they are. In 3 more weeks we will have our first ultrasound. I am so excited. I am so scared. I am nervous. Every time I have a tinge in my stomach I run to the bathroom to make sure I'm not bleeding. Every time I pee (which if you have known a pregnant lady, it's a lot) I scour my underwear for any drop of blood. If I stop feeling nauseous I assume it is because I'm no longer pregnant. I can only imagine how the next 34 weeks will be with this, but I cannot have another loss. I am doing anything I can think of to protect this pregnancy.

Pregnancy after loss is a very difficult one. So I decided to start this blog. I have been very open with my losses, and have come to know others who have had fetal losses that I never knew. It is therapeutic to know that you are not alone. Others do understand what you are feeling. I am going to be sharing my honest emotions on this blog, as a way to release. I hope you find it helpful- in understanding others in this situation, or even for yourself. In some odd way, I hope you enjoy it.

Katie