Our Rainbow

Like I said in my previous post, my doctor induced me at 39w0d. I was very torn about this. I wanted my body to do its thing. However, after our losses and after this pregnancy,  I needed her here now.  I couldn't wait any longer.  So I accepted my doctor's offer, and was induced Sunday morning.

At 10am, the nurses started the Pitocin (after trying 3 times to get an IV!!! My god, my veins are huge, how that could happen is beyond me. And I actually remember thinking in my head "I hope this isn't a sign of how this labor will go. . .") and the doctor went ahead and ordered the epidural, and then they broke my water. After it was in place, I got very nervous because my last one didn't work.  This time- I got numb up to my shoulders, even my fingers got tingly, to the point I couldn't even put my rings in the bag they gave me. I also started slurring and then all of a sudden my eyes got so heavy I could hardly keep them open. At this point my husband was pretty concerned, and I remember thinking "oh my god, my respiratory system is going to be affected and I am going to end up being coded." But I was so tired I just let my eyes shut. I was able to drift on and off for 10-15 minutes at a time for a while, and then I was wide awake with anticipation. When they broke my water I was at 4cm, so I was hopeful I would progress quick at have baby by early afternoon. During the waiting, the alarms kept going off. The external monitor kept losing baby's heartbeat, which happened with C too. So the nurse decided to put in an intrauterine monitor to monitor my contractions as well as the internal fetal monitor as well. The monitor continued to go off. My pressures were 80s/50s,  and my heart rate dropped into the 40s. Both very low, and very low for me. After a little while longer, baby's heart rate started dropping as well. It dropped and was sustaining in the 60s. Being a nurse, and a postpartum nurse at that, I knew too much of what could happen. The nurse immediately checked me, and I was at 8cm. She had me flip over to all 4s on the bed- now remember, I had an epidural. Her and my husband basically had to lift me and slide my legs up under me. Then she had my remove my arms and put my chest to the bed. Basically I was naked with my ass in the air with 2 monitors coming out of my vagina, with amniotic fluid coming out as well. She put a non-rebreather mask on me, and called in the residents. I immediately started crying. In my mind, I did this. I chose the induction. If I would have let my body labor naturally, this probably wouldn't have happened. Only bad was going through my mind. The residents talked about letting the baby recover for a few minutes and then said they would need to discuss a c-section. They shut off the pitocin and gave me medication to stop contractions. I stayed in that position for an hour, shaking uncontrollably and trying not to vomit. In the meantime, the nurse brought in the informed consent for surgery and the IV antibiotic. Once again, I lost it. I remember my husband asking me what the paper was, and I was so upset I couldn't even say it. I realize that I would do anything to deliver this baby healthy, but I did not want to result in a section. My husband kept assuring me that this was not my fault and it was not because we chose induction. At 4pm, the nurse felt comfortable turning me over and sitting me in high fowlers (straight up) to try to get me to dilate to 10. Within 5 minutes of turning around and sitting up I was there. I did one "practice push" and moved baby quite a bit, so they called in the doctor.

I ended up pushing every other contraction, because her heart rate was dropping again. The nurse rubbed baby's butt between contractions to stimulate her, and she tolerated that very well. I pushed for 40minutes, and then the doctor used the forceps to assist. Rainbow was born at 5:06pm.

We are beyond happy, and I feel so relieved that she is here and healthy. As far as this blog, it has come to an end. We got our rainbow. So no, "Life Isn't Always Rainbows," and for many people that is just how it is. We got lucky, and had a happy "ending" to a period of sadness and loss. I will never forget the babies we have lost, and will never forget the things I have learned along this journey.

Life Isn't Always Rainbows, but sometimes they do appear against that dark stormy sky.

Delivery Day

Wow, I have been horrible about updating! Life happens I guess.

Today I am 39 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. It was an uneventful pregnancy. However, I struggled internally quite a bit. I worried every day, never trusting my body. It's a horrible feeling, at least for me. I tried not to dwell on thoughts or feelings, and knew that it was annoying hearing only negative/worry come out of my mouth, so I internalized a lot of what I was feeling- even from my husband. We all know how it ends when a female internalizes feelings- they will all come erupting out in a huge volcanic eruption randomly one day, yet we continue to think it's the best option (insert eye-roll). But anyway, I was just trying to explain that this pregnancy has been difficult emotionally for me, and I cannot wait to hold baby girl.

Friday at my 38 week appointment, the doc told me I was 3cm and offered to induce me at 39 weeks. Two days from then. She caught me off guard, and I panicked a bit. I ended up deciding to agree to the induction and had it scheduled. I went to work yesterday, because what else would I do? One nurse completely made me feel like shit for doing an induction before my due date. I just smiled and said "I know, I guess I'm selfish." The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. We all have different experiences. Yes, part of me does feel guilty for not allowing my body to do its thing and go into labor naturally. HOWEVER- have I mentioned that I have lost trust in my body? Have I mentioned that this whole pregnancy I have felt that this baby is not safe until she is born and out of this body which has let me down 3 times in a year? So when my doctor offers the opportunity to induce me 1 week before my due date (do we are talking full term to a healthy baby with a healthy pregnancy on baby number 2) I discussed it with my husband and family, and really thought about it and agreed. You may not agree with this, and honestly I never ever thought I would choose induction unless medically necessary or for post dates. . . But I never thought I would have multiple miscarriages either.

So anyway, in a few hours we go to the hospital to get started. I slept for a few hours and now I'm wide away with anticipation and anxiety. I am beyond excited to see baby girl, but am very anxious about the induction and how it will go, and then of course the delivery. I am always aware of what could go wrong- especially being a nurse. So this will be an emotional day on many different levels.

At some time today, I will be the mother of 2 little girls, and there is no words I can think of to describe that feeling. I will *hopefully* update on the labor and delivery in a couple days. Until then, please think positive thoughts towards this very anticipated day.