After our ultrasound, we felt like it was the time to announce that we are pregnant. I am 9 weeks three days today. That is early, "normally" to announce. Most people wait until the end of the first trimester, when they are "out of the woods." After experiencing loss, I don't know if I will ever feel there is a time when I am ever "out of the woods" again. I have been very open and honest about our losses, so why not about our pregnancy. Sharing during our losses was sort of way to deal with my emotions and to grieve, and frankly just survive during that time. You know, sometimes it is therapeutic to talk about it and just cry. Through sharing my experiences, I have connected with many others, even some people that I knew fairly well, who have had fetal losses as well. It's oddly comforting knowing that you are not the only one, and you didn't do anything wrong and this is nothing to be ashamed of. Through social media, I have joined groups and have had the opportunity to learn about how often this happens, and I told myself that if I could help one person, just by sharing my stories and being there to say, "I know this sucks. There is nothing I can say or do to make it easier, but if you ever want to talk, I am here," that I would. That it was worth sharing my utter hurt and loss.
Pregnancy after loss is hard. It is only the beginning, but there are just so many emotions. Yes, I am beyond happy and excited. But there is the dark side as well. The side I didn't have to experience with my daughter. When I trusted my body, because this was so natural and what my body was meant to do. Now, when my body is experienced, and no longer a novice, I have very little trust, and that is hard for me. I have good intuition, and know my body, its cycles, its strengths, its weaknesses, but I feel almost like an outsider walking on eggshells. The ultrasound showed a healthy baby. However, I know you can lose a baby at any time, not just at the beginning. Therefore, in my perspective, I will never be out of the woods until I deliver this baby.
I will leave you with that, I felt I need to explain myself for some reason. Probably just to help me cope with everything. I do feel a bit relieved. Relieved is a good place right now.
Katie
You are doing great and thank you! Such a brave soul!
ReplyDeleteSaw this blog through your sister's post. We have been unfortunate also in our pregnancy journey, but our experiences are creeply similar. I've learned to not be ashamed to talk about it, and it does help knowing someone else knows the same pain in the sense of "not being alone". I'll be praying that you are able to carry this previous babe until she is ready to be held in your arms!
ReplyDeleteKaitlyn Hamm