Thursday, August 4, 2016

15 Weeks

On Sunday I turned over into week 15. It was an emotionally stressful day for me. Episodes of crying and frustration. Maybe I had just had it with some things. Maybe it wasn't rational. But as I drove home from work last night, it hit me. Sunday was the due date of the baby we lost in December. Earlier in July I had a moment of thinking, "wow, I could potentially be sitting at home right now holding our newborn." I didn't give too much thought, as I used mindfulness thinking to redirect my thoughts to, "Our baby is healthy and still inside me. We will hold him/her in January." However, I think subconsciously my body just new Sunday that there was a void. I have said it before, but I feel that my body has good intuition. It new that I needed to mourn this day. Yes, I am grateful I have our daughter, and that I am pregnant with a healthy baby. But that doesn't take the hurt of pregnancy loss away. Nothing ever will. Time will help me deal and process it, but I will take these losses to the grave (well, figuratively speaking- I'm not going to be buried, but that is neither her nor there).

I mentioned in my first post that I am a nurse. I work on a Medical Surgical step-down unit. Next week is my last week here, as I am moving forward with my career goal of becoming a Lactation Consultant. I am moving to the Mother/Infant unit. On this unit, there is a high rate of infants going through withdrawal, as well as Children Services issues. So that will be a little difficult to deal with, but there will also be mothers there who have just suffered a loss similar to mine. I am kind of looking forward to those days. Where I can offer to sit with her, and hold her hand if she needs it. Or even offer a simple, "I'm sorry for your loss." It really does help on some level speaking to someone else who has experienced it. It is an odd sisterhood, not necessarily one you want to join, but glad it is there when you need to grieve.

Just know, if you are struggling with grief from loss, there are a lot of us out there, who share our story in hopes you may find some sort of comfort. You will find blogs and social media resources. Reaching out is awkward, but sometimes it is worth it.

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