17 Weeks

Sunday turned over into week 17. For about a week and a half now, I have felt little flicks in my lower right side (where I always find the baby's heartbeat), so I figured it was the little movements. Last night after work, I ised our Doppler to find the heartbeat. It had been a while, and I just had a feeling that I needed to. I immediately found it- 140s-150s. It was hard to pick up a number because you could hear the little blips of the baby kicking, and it was going crazy!! It was weird, and comforting because with each blip you heard, I could feel it in my belly. Jesse came over and put his hand right by the Doppler, and was even able to feel a really strong one! I know with Charlie he couldn't feel the kicks until week 21 or 22. So that was really relieving.

At work last week, I used the new bladder scanner on myself- the screen appears as a sonogram, not like the old screen that looks sort of like a colorfully drawn map. I actually found the little baby! The picture wasn't great, since it isn't made for looking at fetuses, but you could see the little arm and body and the cord. At the bottom of the screen it has a measurement, and I thought it said 3.4cm. I stewed on it, and freaked out. A 16 week old fetus needs to be a lot larger than 3.4cm. I was so worried- what if the baby had stopped growing? What if I was the one who found it by freak accident using a piece of equipment at work that I shouldn't have been? Ugh. So I looked back at the pictures, and it said 34cm, not 3.4cm. And it was the area of the picture it took. I looked it up, the baby should be about 11-13cm, so that makes a lot more sense. This next ultrasound cannot come soon enough.

Although I am 17 weeks, so far everything is normal and healthy, almost halfway to the end, it never escapes my mind that something can happen at any minute. You would think I would be excited to use the Doppler. I am actually very nervous. I almost prepare myself each time to not find the heartbeat. And go through what all would have to happen next. Unfortunately, loss can happen after the first trimester, and that fear is never going to disappear. At least until this baby is delivered.