So, here is some irrational thinking for you. And may I preface this- I am not an irrational person. I am very realistic.
A fetus should have a heartbeat between 6-8 week, right? So, in my head, since I was 6 weeks yesterday, I should have been able to find the heartbeat with a Doppler. Well, surprise surprise I didn't. And apparently, in my eyes, that means there isn't one and that something is wrong.
I know that it is irrational thinking. But because of everything that has happened with my other pregnancies I just assume the worst.
I cannot relax. I feel like I cannot enjoy this pregnancy- and that is really unfair for this baby. Hopefully things will get better after our doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks.
Until then, I am going to rely on my meditation, yoga practice, and healing crystals to help with my anxiety.
Katie
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Friday, May 27, 2016
Introduction
You have to introduce yourself to new people all the time. How do you go about doing it?
My name is Katie.
I am married.
I have one daughter.
I am a Registered Nurse.
I have a dog and a cat.
I like making natural natural products for our home.
I like to watch Real Housewives and Kardashians.
I do yoga and meditate every day.
I have had 3 miscarriages in 9 months.
I am pregnant again.
I won't rehash everything- I have done it a million times, to people and in my head. We started trying to get pregnant in June 2015 when our daughter turned 1. Nothing. Nothing. August- nothing. Then, in September, I got the 2 pink lines. So it had started. At 6 weeks I had a "spontaneous abortion." Sounds awful. Basically a miscarriage. There was nothing I could do. I was upset, sad, everything you could imagine. But I thought, "Hey, this happens a lot. This is such a common experience and this isn't going to effect our future of having kids."
Just a little side note- when people think of miscarrying, they think of bleeding like a period, maybe a little heavier or with clots. Yes. Even the doctor said, "You may have some light, period like cramping." Well, this was like no period I had ever had. This was more like the pain I felt when I was in labor with my daughter. It was horrible. I think people need to be given a heads up about that- it is just one more thing you are going to have to deal with.
Then I got pregnant again. Everything was so normal. I was tired, my boobs hurt, I was nauseous. However, I kept telling my husband I felt like something was wrong. He kept telling me I was just nervous because of the miscarriage and that everything was going to be fine. My heart rate kept going crazy, and it would jump up to 130 even 140. I actually had called the doctor at about 6 weeks because of this, and she said not to worry- every time it happened just get some water and sit down. I looked it up, and this could be a sign of a Molar Pregnancy. I only told him, but at work the day before our appointment I tried to find the heartbeat with one of our dopplers (I am a nurse on a Step Down unit in a hospital). I couldn't find it. At our first OB appointment at 9.5 weeks the doctor did the ultrasound. And immediately I knew. There was the gestational sac, but no fetus. No baby. She just looked at me and told me what was going on, and said she was going to look for a couple more minutes just to make sure she wasn't missing anything. She gave us a minute, then came back in to discuss everything.
It was a Blighted Ovum. She couldn't tell me what caused it, or if this is what had happened in September. She gave me my options- 1. Let my body miscarry naturally, however there was no telling when this might be, 2. I could insert a medication vaginally that would induce a miscarriage. 3. I could have a D&C, on New Year's Eve. I just wanted this to be over. I chose the D&C.
This time I had a harder time dealing with the loss. Eventually I sought out counseling and even did a Mindfulness Thinking class. We continued to try to get pregnant.
In February I did a Fertility Yoga class. Nothing.
In April, I decided to take a test 2 days before my period. There was a faint line. The next day it got a little darker. 2 days after my period should have started there was nothing. Another loss.
Our doctor referred us to a Fertility Specialist, but after discussing it quite a bit, we decided we would wait to keep trying for a couple months, and if nothing happened when we picked back up, we would call the specialist. Here is why- because I know a lot of people would think, "If you want a baby so bad, why wouldn't you do everything being offered?" We have one daughter. If we went to a specialist and did all these tests and still didn't get pregnant, we would be out so much money that we wouldn't be able to take her on vacations or do fun things. If we ended up getting pregnant after all the tests, we still would have no money, but have a second child on the way. We decided that if we are unable to have another baby, we would enjoy the family we DO have and be able to celebrate and experience new things together.
This mindset goes on and off on a daily basis by the way. One minute I am perfectly fine with having 1 child. The next I cannot accept that at all- and then I feel guilty for feeling that way, as if it means I don't love my daughter enough.
So we stopped trying (let me clue you in what "trying" means. . . Sex. Every other day from day 9 of your cycle to day 21). I was getting in the shower one morning, as my period should have started the day before, but since I had just had our 3rd loss it may be messed up. I decided to take a test, just for the hell of it, because, you know, I am obsessed with taking them. When I get out of the shower- a 2nd pink line. Fairly dark. I yell for my husband to come in. I yell that I need him now. He sees me standing there naked and thinks it is a come-on. No. I point to the test on the counter and he just stares at it.
That was almost 2 weeks ago. Tomorrow I will be 6 weeks pregnant. I can't tell you how many tests I have taken, to make sure it still says "PREGNANT" and to make sure the lines are getting darker- which they are. In 3 more weeks we will have our first ultrasound. I am so excited. I am so scared. I am nervous. Every time I have a tinge in my stomach I run to the bathroom to make sure I'm not bleeding. Every time I pee (which if you have known a pregnant lady, it's a lot) I scour my underwear for any drop of blood. If I stop feeling nauseous I assume it is because I'm no longer pregnant. I can only imagine how the next 34 weeks will be with this, but I cannot have another loss. I am doing anything I can think of to protect this pregnancy.
Pregnancy after loss is a very difficult one. So I decided to start this blog. I have been very open with my losses, and have come to know others who have had fetal losses that I never knew. It is therapeutic to know that you are not alone. Others do understand what you are feeling. I am going to be sharing my honest emotions on this blog, as a way to release. I hope you find it helpful- in understanding others in this situation, or even for yourself. In some odd way, I hope you enjoy it.
Katie
My name is Katie.
I am married.
I have one daughter.
I am a Registered Nurse.
I have a dog and a cat.
I like making natural natural products for our home.
I like to watch Real Housewives and Kardashians.
I do yoga and meditate every day.
I have had 3 miscarriages in 9 months.
I am pregnant again.
I won't rehash everything- I have done it a million times, to people and in my head. We started trying to get pregnant in June 2015 when our daughter turned 1. Nothing. Nothing. August- nothing. Then, in September, I got the 2 pink lines. So it had started. At 6 weeks I had a "spontaneous abortion." Sounds awful. Basically a miscarriage. There was nothing I could do. I was upset, sad, everything you could imagine. But I thought, "Hey, this happens a lot. This is such a common experience and this isn't going to effect our future of having kids."
Just a little side note- when people think of miscarrying, they think of bleeding like a period, maybe a little heavier or with clots. Yes. Even the doctor said, "You may have some light, period like cramping." Well, this was like no period I had ever had. This was more like the pain I felt when I was in labor with my daughter. It was horrible. I think people need to be given a heads up about that- it is just one more thing you are going to have to deal with.
Then I got pregnant again. Everything was so normal. I was tired, my boobs hurt, I was nauseous. However, I kept telling my husband I felt like something was wrong. He kept telling me I was just nervous because of the miscarriage and that everything was going to be fine. My heart rate kept going crazy, and it would jump up to 130 even 140. I actually had called the doctor at about 6 weeks because of this, and she said not to worry- every time it happened just get some water and sit down. I looked it up, and this could be a sign of a Molar Pregnancy. I only told him, but at work the day before our appointment I tried to find the heartbeat with one of our dopplers (I am a nurse on a Step Down unit in a hospital). I couldn't find it. At our first OB appointment at 9.5 weeks the doctor did the ultrasound. And immediately I knew. There was the gestational sac, but no fetus. No baby. She just looked at me and told me what was going on, and said she was going to look for a couple more minutes just to make sure she wasn't missing anything. She gave us a minute, then came back in to discuss everything.
It was a Blighted Ovum. She couldn't tell me what caused it, or if this is what had happened in September. She gave me my options- 1. Let my body miscarry naturally, however there was no telling when this might be, 2. I could insert a medication vaginally that would induce a miscarriage. 3. I could have a D&C, on New Year's Eve. I just wanted this to be over. I chose the D&C.
This time I had a harder time dealing with the loss. Eventually I sought out counseling and even did a Mindfulness Thinking class. We continued to try to get pregnant.
In February I did a Fertility Yoga class. Nothing.
In April, I decided to take a test 2 days before my period. There was a faint line. The next day it got a little darker. 2 days after my period should have started there was nothing. Another loss.
Our doctor referred us to a Fertility Specialist, but after discussing it quite a bit, we decided we would wait to keep trying for a couple months, and if nothing happened when we picked back up, we would call the specialist. Here is why- because I know a lot of people would think, "If you want a baby so bad, why wouldn't you do everything being offered?" We have one daughter. If we went to a specialist and did all these tests and still didn't get pregnant, we would be out so much money that we wouldn't be able to take her on vacations or do fun things. If we ended up getting pregnant after all the tests, we still would have no money, but have a second child on the way. We decided that if we are unable to have another baby, we would enjoy the family we DO have and be able to celebrate and experience new things together.
This mindset goes on and off on a daily basis by the way. One minute I am perfectly fine with having 1 child. The next I cannot accept that at all- and then I feel guilty for feeling that way, as if it means I don't love my daughter enough.
So we stopped trying (let me clue you in what "trying" means. . . Sex. Every other day from day 9 of your cycle to day 21). I was getting in the shower one morning, as my period should have started the day before, but since I had just had our 3rd loss it may be messed up. I decided to take a test, just for the hell of it, because, you know, I am obsessed with taking them. When I get out of the shower- a 2nd pink line. Fairly dark. I yell for my husband to come in. I yell that I need him now. He sees me standing there naked and thinks it is a come-on. No. I point to the test on the counter and he just stares at it.
That was almost 2 weeks ago. Tomorrow I will be 6 weeks pregnant. I can't tell you how many tests I have taken, to make sure it still says "PREGNANT" and to make sure the lines are getting darker- which they are. In 3 more weeks we will have our first ultrasound. I am so excited. I am so scared. I am nervous. Every time I have a tinge in my stomach I run to the bathroom to make sure I'm not bleeding. Every time I pee (which if you have known a pregnant lady, it's a lot) I scour my underwear for any drop of blood. If I stop feeling nauseous I assume it is because I'm no longer pregnant. I can only imagine how the next 34 weeks will be with this, but I cannot have another loss. I am doing anything I can think of to protect this pregnancy.
Pregnancy after loss is a very difficult one. So I decided to start this blog. I have been very open with my losses, and have come to know others who have had fetal losses that I never knew. It is therapeutic to know that you are not alone. Others do understand what you are feeling. I am going to be sharing my honest emotions on this blog, as a way to release. I hope you find it helpful- in understanding others in this situation, or even for yourself. In some odd way, I hope you enjoy it.
Katie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)