Our Rainbow

Like I said in my previous post, my doctor induced me at 39w0d. I was very torn about this. I wanted my body to do its thing. However, after our losses and after this pregnancy,  I needed her here now.  I couldn't wait any longer.  So I accepted my doctor's offer, and was induced Sunday morning.

At 10am, the nurses started the Pitocin (after trying 3 times to get an IV!!! My god, my veins are huge, how that could happen is beyond me. And I actually remember thinking in my head "I hope this isn't a sign of how this labor will go. . .") and the doctor went ahead and ordered the epidural, and then they broke my water. After it was in place, I got very nervous because my last one didn't work.  This time- I got numb up to my shoulders, even my fingers got tingly, to the point I couldn't even put my rings in the bag they gave me. I also started slurring and then all of a sudden my eyes got so heavy I could hardly keep them open. At this point my husband was pretty concerned, and I remember thinking "oh my god, my respiratory system is going to be affected and I am going to end up being coded." But I was so tired I just let my eyes shut. I was able to drift on and off for 10-15 minutes at a time for a while, and then I was wide awake with anticipation. When they broke my water I was at 4cm, so I was hopeful I would progress quick at have baby by early afternoon. During the waiting, the alarms kept going off. The external monitor kept losing baby's heartbeat, which happened with C too. So the nurse decided to put in an intrauterine monitor to monitor my contractions as well as the internal fetal monitor as well. The monitor continued to go off. My pressures were 80s/50s,  and my heart rate dropped into the 40s. Both very low, and very low for me. After a little while longer, baby's heart rate started dropping as well. It dropped and was sustaining in the 60s. Being a nurse, and a postpartum nurse at that, I knew too much of what could happen. The nurse immediately checked me, and I was at 8cm. She had me flip over to all 4s on the bed- now remember, I had an epidural. Her and my husband basically had to lift me and slide my legs up under me. Then she had my remove my arms and put my chest to the bed. Basically I was naked with my ass in the air with 2 monitors coming out of my vagina, with amniotic fluid coming out as well. She put a non-rebreather mask on me, and called in the residents. I immediately started crying. In my mind, I did this. I chose the induction. If I would have let my body labor naturally, this probably wouldn't have happened. Only bad was going through my mind. The residents talked about letting the baby recover for a few minutes and then said they would need to discuss a c-section. They shut off the pitocin and gave me medication to stop contractions. I stayed in that position for an hour, shaking uncontrollably and trying not to vomit. In the meantime, the nurse brought in the informed consent for surgery and the IV antibiotic. Once again, I lost it. I remember my husband asking me what the paper was, and I was so upset I couldn't even say it. I realize that I would do anything to deliver this baby healthy, but I did not want to result in a section. My husband kept assuring me that this was not my fault and it was not because we chose induction. At 4pm, the nurse felt comfortable turning me over and sitting me in high fowlers (straight up) to try to get me to dilate to 10. Within 5 minutes of turning around and sitting up I was there. I did one "practice push" and moved baby quite a bit, so they called in the doctor.

I ended up pushing every other contraction, because her heart rate was dropping again. The nurse rubbed baby's butt between contractions to stimulate her, and she tolerated that very well. I pushed for 40minutes, and then the doctor used the forceps to assist. Rainbow was born at 5:06pm.

We are beyond happy, and I feel so relieved that she is here and healthy. As far as this blog, it has come to an end. We got our rainbow. So no, "Life Isn't Always Rainbows," and for many people that is just how it is. We got lucky, and had a happy "ending" to a period of sadness and loss. I will never forget the babies we have lost, and will never forget the things I have learned along this journey.

Life Isn't Always Rainbows, but sometimes they do appear against that dark stormy sky.

Delivery Day

Wow, I have been horrible about updating! Life happens I guess.

Today I am 39 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. It was an uneventful pregnancy. However, I struggled internally quite a bit. I worried every day, never trusting my body. It's a horrible feeling, at least for me. I tried not to dwell on thoughts or feelings, and knew that it was annoying hearing only negative/worry come out of my mouth, so I internalized a lot of what I was feeling- even from my husband. We all know how it ends when a female internalizes feelings- they will all come erupting out in a huge volcanic eruption randomly one day, yet we continue to think it's the best option (insert eye-roll). But anyway, I was just trying to explain that this pregnancy has been difficult emotionally for me, and I cannot wait to hold baby girl.

Friday at my 38 week appointment, the doc told me I was 3cm and offered to induce me at 39 weeks. Two days from then. She caught me off guard, and I panicked a bit. I ended up deciding to agree to the induction and had it scheduled. I went to work yesterday, because what else would I do? One nurse completely made me feel like shit for doing an induction before my due date. I just smiled and said "I know, I guess I'm selfish." The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. We all have different experiences. Yes, part of me does feel guilty for not allowing my body to do its thing and go into labor naturally. HOWEVER- have I mentioned that I have lost trust in my body? Have I mentioned that this whole pregnancy I have felt that this baby is not safe until she is born and out of this body which has let me down 3 times in a year? So when my doctor offers the opportunity to induce me 1 week before my due date (do we are talking full term to a healthy baby with a healthy pregnancy on baby number 2) I discussed it with my husband and family, and really thought about it and agreed. You may not agree with this, and honestly I never ever thought I would choose induction unless medically necessary or for post dates. . . But I never thought I would have multiple miscarriages either.

So anyway, in a few hours we go to the hospital to get started. I slept for a few hours and now I'm wide away with anticipation and anxiety. I am beyond excited to see baby girl, but am very anxious about the induction and how it will go, and then of course the delivery. I am always aware of what could go wrong- especially being a nurse. So this will be an emotional day on many different levels.

At some time today, I will be the mother of 2 little girls, and there is no words I can think of to describe that feeling. I will *hopefully* update on the labor and delivery in a couple days. Until then, please think positive thoughts towards this very anticipated day.

26 Weeks

I have been slacking with blogging, but it was the last thing on my mind. I have also been slacking on self care and taking time for doing what I need to do for myself. I need to do better about that- even if it is just 5 minutes.

So, a little update. We are having another girl:) we are very exited, and so is our daughter. This baby is carrying super low, and moves all of the time- which is incredibly reassuring. Everything is going smoothly.

I have mentioned before, I think, that I'm a nurse. I recently switched units to a postpartum unit- and I am in love. However. I recently had to get certified forNEP- basically CPR for newborns. It consists of studying, taking multiple tests, and going to a class where you work as a team and run through scenarios proving you know what steps/interventions to take. I didn't think anything about it at first, but the more I got into it the more anxious I got. I was at the hospital I would deliver at, my instructor was a labor and delivery nurse who could potentially be my nurse, while I was learning how to revive newborns. Not what a mom of loss being pregnant wants to think about. I got through it, passed, and was able to calm down, but my anxiety level was pretty high for a couple days. Cue the realization that I need to really take time for myself and relax and destress.

Today, some co-workers were telling me about a ring test to tell you how many kids you will have in your life, and their genders in order- and it also is supposed to show lost babies. So naturally, I was intrigued. Well, here is what the ring said. Girl, girl, neutral, boy, girl. First girl would be our daughter. Second girl would by my loss. Neutral would be the blighted ovum- which technically there is no baby, so there is no gender to tell. Boy would be my 3rd loss. Girl would be my current pregnancy. I was oddly comforted knowing what my lost babies were. A girl and a boy. It doesn't make it better, but I thought about it on my way home from work (my hour drive), and it makes me want to name them. Maybe help bring about more sense of closure. I will have to sleep on it and think about it first, and of course discuss it with my husband- after all, they are his babies too and his losses as well.

Speaking of- I think we forget that men feel loss too. Differently, of course, but they do. So let's remember to be sensitive to the men who feel loss as well as the women. They are probably in a hard place- grieving but also trying to stay strong for her. Basically it is a shitty situation for everyone.

Alright, I digress enough and I am tired and hungry and have to get up and do it all over tomorrow. I will try to be better about blogging. I will be more adamant about giving myself and body the time it deserves. And I will start with going to bed right now and getting a good night's sleep.

20 Weeks 5 Days

Everything has been going great. I have started nesting, that's for sure. I have also been feeling a lot of movement since sometime in week 17- which is a lot earlier than with my daughter. I am wondering if the placenta attached to the back of my uterus because of this, and also how the movements feel. Jesse has felt kicks a few times, they always seem to stop when he tried to feel. Our daughter had felt them too. She laughs and thinks it's funny that the baby kicked her. She is being amazing, and always wants to touch my belly and asks daily to hold the baby. Hopefully this continues after baby is here!

We have our anatomy scan today. I am so nervous. I always expect the worst, so on days of my doctor's appointments I'm not in the best mood. We will be finding out the sex today too, which we didn't with our daughter. I'm incredibly anxious about that as well. I am just afraid with my anxiety and fear that I will have a horrible reaction and come off like I'm not excited- which I honestly don't care. But like any human (or woman), my emotions sometimes take over. I really have no feeling about what the baby is, and I didn't with our daughter either. I'm hoping for a healthy baby who has no anomalies and that the next 18/19 weeks goes quickly!

17 Weeks

Sunday turned over into week 17. For about a week and a half now, I have felt little flicks in my lower right side (where I always find the baby's heartbeat), so I figured it was the little movements. Last night after work, I ised our Doppler to find the heartbeat. It had been a while, and I just had a feeling that I needed to. I immediately found it- 140s-150s. It was hard to pick up a number because you could hear the little blips of the baby kicking, and it was going crazy!! It was weird, and comforting because with each blip you heard, I could feel it in my belly. Jesse came over and put his hand right by the Doppler, and was even able to feel a really strong one! I know with Charlie he couldn't feel the kicks until week 21 or 22. So that was really relieving.

At work last week, I used the new bladder scanner on myself- the screen appears as a sonogram, not like the old screen that looks sort of like a colorfully drawn map. I actually found the little baby! The picture wasn't great, since it isn't made for looking at fetuses, but you could see the little arm and body and the cord. At the bottom of the screen it has a measurement, and I thought it said 3.4cm. I stewed on it, and freaked out. A 16 week old fetus needs to be a lot larger than 3.4cm. I was so worried- what if the baby had stopped growing? What if I was the one who found it by freak accident using a piece of equipment at work that I shouldn't have been? Ugh. So I looked back at the pictures, and it said 34cm, not 3.4cm. And it was the area of the picture it took. I looked it up, the baby should be about 11-13cm, so that makes a lot more sense. This next ultrasound cannot come soon enough.

Although I am 17 weeks, so far everything is normal and healthy, almost halfway to the end, it never escapes my mind that something can happen at any minute. You would think I would be excited to use the Doppler. I am actually very nervous. I almost prepare myself each time to not find the heartbeat. And go through what all would have to happen next. Unfortunately, loss can happen after the first trimester, and that fear is never going to disappear. At least until this baby is delivered.

15 Weeks

On Sunday I turned over into week 15. It was an emotionally stressful day for me. Episodes of crying and frustration. Maybe I had just had it with some things. Maybe it wasn't rational. But as I drove home from work last night, it hit me. Sunday was the due date of the baby we lost in December. Earlier in July I had a moment of thinking, "wow, I could potentially be sitting at home right now holding our newborn." I didn't give too much thought, as I used mindfulness thinking to redirect my thoughts to, "Our baby is healthy and still inside me. We will hold him/her in January." However, I think subconsciously my body just new Sunday that there was a void. I have said it before, but I feel that my body has good intuition. It new that I needed to mourn this day. Yes, I am grateful I have our daughter, and that I am pregnant with a healthy baby. But that doesn't take the hurt of pregnancy loss away. Nothing ever will. Time will help me deal and process it, but I will take these losses to the grave (well, figuratively speaking- I'm not going to be buried, but that is neither her nor there).

I mentioned in my first post that I am a nurse. I work on a Medical Surgical step-down unit. Next week is my last week here, as I am moving forward with my career goal of becoming a Lactation Consultant. I am moving to the Mother/Infant unit. On this unit, there is a high rate of infants going through withdrawal, as well as Children Services issues. So that will be a little difficult to deal with, but there will also be mothers there who have just suffered a loss similar to mine. I am kind of looking forward to those days. Where I can offer to sit with her, and hold her hand if she needs it. Or even offer a simple, "I'm sorry for your loss." It really does help on some level speaking to someone else who has experienced it. It is an odd sisterhood, not necessarily one you want to join, but glad it is there when you need to grieve.

Just know, if you are struggling with grief from loss, there are a lot of us out there, who share our story in hopes you may find some sort of comfort. You will find blogs and social media resources. Reaching out is awkward, but sometimes it is worth it.

14 Weeks

This past Sunday, I started week 14. The nausea at night is getting a lot better, and I'm starting to get my energy back. I looked back on pictures of when I was pregnant with our daughter, and I am now about the size I was at 20 weeks with her. Which reminds me- I really need to buy new clothes. . .

Today was my doctor's appointment. It was an easy one, one I get really annoyed about. Drive 45 minutes for a 5 minute appointment- weight, vitals, fetal heart beat, any questions, schedule next appointment. However, with this pregnancy, I really really dread my appointments. Each time, I just sit there expecting to get told bad news. Today, I just had a feeling the doctor was going to say, "I'm sorry, I can not find the heartbeat." I have a fetal heart Doppler at home from when I was pregnant with C, and I figured I would use it daily. No. It is a bittersweet item to have. I do check it once a week, but each time it brings out anxiety about not being able to find it. So today, at my appointment, as I was laying there as she tried to find the heartbeat, she searched. And searched. I watched the clock- why they put those in the room is beyond me. It took her 2 minutes and 43 seconds to find it. I was holding my breath, trying to tell C to be quiet (she never stops talking), as I struggled to listen, just begging to hear the little flutter. She finally found it. I wonder if she thinks I am cold or something, because I did smile, but my facial expression was more relieved than happy/excited like it was every time with C. 

It is easy to go on with life and pretend I am comfortable with everything and relieved I have made it this far. But I am not naive- you can lose a baby at any stage of pregnancy. This is going to be a constant battle or emotion until delivery is over. And it is so draining. And it is hard to hide, but I am tired of the remarks and responses people give when I express my concerns. So they are all internal. Which, for me, makes it really hard. 

If you know someone who is going through a miscarriage, who has gone through one, or who is pregnant after one- don't dismiss or downplay their feelings of concern or sadness or anxiety. You may be trying to help ease their mind, but you come off as an annoying asshole. Especially if you have never been through this hell yourself. I am sorry to get defensive, but it isn't helpful. Please, just show support- even by just saying, "I'm sorry, if there is anything I can help with let me know. I am here."