Mommy Guilt

I am going to touch a little on some mommy guilt I have experienced. Yes, all moms probably have it to some degree, but this is a little different. Already, as I am typing this my eyes are welling up. When I experienced my losses, as I have expressed before, I was overcome by emotions. Especially sadness and grief. I just lossed a baby. And then another. And then another. All within a few short months. It is awful. I can now talk about all of them without crying, but it is still hard sometimes. I would be full term with one of them now, due to deliver any week now. Hard pill to swallow. But how am I allowed to be so heartbroken over this? I already have a child. Am I allowed to feel so down about these losses? All I want to do is go to bed and just sleep for a few weeks (when this was all happening. I mean, extra sleep couldn't hurt me now, right- with a toddler and being 11 weeks pregnant?) but that isn't happening. I have to take care of my toddler. I have a job and reaponsibilities. Yes, I am fortunate enough to have a husband who is very active in our daughter's life, but having said that, she is very much a mama's girl. So most of the time, it's me she wants to do things with. And I feel guilty about that- I shouldn't WANT to not do those things. But sometimes, it would be nice to be able to grieve like I need to. I just felt, and still do, feel so guilty about all the emotions going along with those losses. Please understand that my daughter is everything, and I love her so much, but sometimes it would just be nice to be able to breathe. And cry. By myself.
Another part of this mom guilt I am experiencing is with this new pregnancy. What a whole new ballgame from my first. With her, I enjoyed every minute, even when I felt like shit and was throwing up. Every pain I felt, "oh that's just my body stretching and doing what it needs." I loved it. I was calm and happy. Now? I feel one tiny discomfort and I run. Running in my mind as to where things can go, run to the bathroom to see if I am bleeding. I feel guilty that I am stressed and not able to enjoy this pregnancy like the last. I am constantly worrying. It isn't fair for this baby to have that kind of negativity. I try everything I can to fight that. Unfortunately, I don't think I will stop until the baby is actually born.
For a little update- I am currently 11 weeks 4 days and everything is fine. Still sick/uncomfortable in the afternoon and evenings, but it is definitely getting better. This past weekend I had to start wearing my belly band, as my pants were just not going to button. So I'm obviously starting to show earlier- I started wearing them at like 13-14 weeks with our daughter. So fingers crossed things continue this way.

Katie