10 Weeks

Sunday I turned 10 weeks pregnant. Everything is going well- nausea and really uncomfortable in the late afternoon/evening, exhaustion, etc. All normal, healthy signs of pregnancy. Saturday I tried to use my Doppler again, and I did find the heartbeat! At first it was too faint to pick up the rate, but I guessed it was 150s-160s. Later Saturday morning I found it again, and it picked up the rate, and was 166/165 bpm. Our daughter was consistently 160s when we listened to her.
With our first, we did not find out the sex. It was so fun to be surprised, and we did a bunch of the old wives tales to guess what we were having (14/19 said girl, so I think they were pretty accurate). This time, Jesse is really wanting to find out, so I may let him have this one. He thinks it is a girl just from the heartrate, but that is the only reason he thinks girl. Our daughter has named the baby "Bobby," for some reason. I don't know where she heard the name and why she latched on to it. But when I asked who Bobby was, yesterday she replied, "the baby in the baby mommy. The baby sister." So I guess she thinks it's a girl too.
Finding the heartbeat is very relieving and comforting. And now I know it should be there, so when I check and don't find it immediately I know I get a little worked up, but that's expected. I am hoping it never comes down to me not finding it. This can be a huge comfort luxury, that I can check whenever I want, but it can also be an anxiety issue too. So here is to trying to relax and enjoy these little steping stones to meeting our baby.

Katie

Pregnancy Announcement

After our ultrasound, we felt like it was the time to announce that we are pregnant. I am 9 weeks three days today. That is early, "normally" to announce. Most people wait until the end of the first trimester, when they are "out of the woods." After experiencing loss, I don't know if I will ever feel there is a time when I am ever "out of the woods" again. I have been very open and honest about our losses, so why not about our pregnancy. Sharing during our losses was sort of way to deal with my emotions and to grieve, and frankly just survive during that time. You know, sometimes it is therapeutic to talk about it and just cry. Through sharing my experiences, I have connected with many others, even some people that I knew fairly well, who have had fetal losses as well. It's oddly comforting knowing that you are not the only one, and you didn't do anything wrong and this is nothing to be ashamed of. Through social media, I have joined groups and have had the opportunity to learn about how often this happens, and I told myself that if I could help one person, just by sharing my stories and being there to say, "I know this sucks. There is nothing I can say or do to make it easier, but if you ever want to talk, I am here," that I would. That it was worth sharing my utter hurt and loss.
Pregnancy after loss is hard. It is only the beginning, but there are just so many emotions. Yes, I am beyond happy and excited. But there is the dark side as well. The side I didn't have to experience with my daughter. When I trusted my body, because this was so natural and what my body was meant to do. Now, when my body is experienced, and no longer a novice, I have very little trust, and that is hard for me. I have good intuition, and know my body, its cycles, its strengths, its weaknesses, but I feel almost like an outsider walking on eggshells. The ultrasound showed a healthy baby. However, I know you can lose a baby at any time, not just at the beginning. Therefore, in my perspective, I will never be out of the woods until I deliver this baby.
I will leave you with that, I felt I need to explain myself for some reason. Probably just to help me cope with everything. I do feel a bit relieved. Relieved is a good place right now.

Katie

First Doctor's Appointment

It's finally over. The dreaded first doctor's visit. I am happy to say that things went well, and the baby was healthy and measuring right on schedule at 9 weeks. The heart rate was 185 (Charlie's was 177 at her first ultrasound). The baby was also moving around quite a bit, so that was another good thing. When I was laying there, I couldn't see the ultrasound screen at first, Jesse just looked at me and shook his head "yes." I am still somewhat anxious about everything, but I am definitely feeling better about it.
On a side note- today was a Full Moon and Summer Solstice. I am reading that as a sign of health and fertility. The exam room I was in was room 5- which is my favorite/lucky number since I was young. It is weird how the number still shows up in my life.
Enough with the rambling, I am going to enjoy some Pregnancy tea and relax before some meditation.

Katie

9 weeks

Tomorrow, I should be 9 weeks pregnant with our rainbow. There are days when I am totally excited and look at baby stuff online and it's all I can do not to order the cute little Moses basket. And then I remember that our first doctor's appointment is in 4 days and I get really anxious and nervous. I go through in my mind how I think the appointment will go. What I will say to the doctor, as she has been with us through the last 3 losses (And she is incredible. She spent about an hour in conversation with me the first time). My reaction to the picture on the screen- in each vision I have, I am never looking at the ultrasound screen at first. Sometimes I think I will cover my face. Some I am staring at Jesse. I really don't know how I will react to this pivotal moment in not only this pregnancy, but in my life, as well as our family's. It is an odd feeling- I want this appointment to tell me everything is and will be ok. But at the same time, I don't even want to go. I could go on and on about this. But I won't. Hopefully I will have good news Monday. In the meantime, I will continue taking my extra prenatal vitamin and drinking an obscene amount of water, while using my crystals in meditation (did I mention this appointment was scheduled on a full moon. Like I have said before- nothing is a coincidence), and doing some yoga to relax.

Katie

Dream Spirit

Lately I have been looking into some not so streamline religions and ways of life. One of my endeavors has been Wicca. I connect on so many levels, and I feel that it is so congruent with my way of thinking. However, for some reason I started researching Native Americans this past weekend. Their thoughts about spirituality and nature are so inspiring. I started reading how many spirits would speak to the priests or priestesses during their sleep in dreams. Trust me, this is going somewhere.
Last night, I had a dream that I was talking to the witch from the movie Brave. She told me, "You won't have any more children." I immediately broke down crying and said, but I have already lost 3, and am actually pregnant again. The only thing she said to me was, "I know."
So, on my hour drive to work this morning I was thinking about this. I don't believe in coincidence anymore, and haven't for a while. So, was this dream a Spirit like I have been reading about? Was this Spirit saying this baby will be my last? Did this Spirit mean that even this baby isn't going to make it?  It sounds a little out there, I know. But it really has me wondering.
This is sort of similar to my fertility Mala necklace I bought. I bought it in March, and it broke in April- 1 week before I found out I was pregnant. Was this the necklace and its energy telling me I am infertile, just forget about it. . . Or the fact that I was pregnant and didn't need it anymore?
I'm sure when people read this they will think all sorts of things. I'm not here to argue religion or even discuss it. I only bring it up because I feel it is pertinent to this part of my story.

Katie

7 Weeks

Today I should be 7 weeks pregnant. I am exhausted. Hungry all the time. And nauseous at night. It makes trying to rest pretty difficult, and probably only adds to my exhaustion during the day, but I am not complaining. 
Speaking of complaining- is someone who wants a baby so bad, who has lost the last 3, and is finally carrying a baby actually allowed to say, "I am miserable?" This has been running through my mind quite a bit this week. I wouldn't go that far as to say I am miserable, but there have been 2 nights that were pretty close. I am very thankful I am able to feel this way, but I feel like I shouldn't say the "M" word- as if it means I don't want this. I'm probably over thinking.
My pregnancy in November and December that ended in a blighted ovum, I had feelings the entire time that something was wrong. I had mentioned this in my first post, but I told my husband every day I thought something was going to happen. This pregnancy, I don't have those feelings. I am very cautious and sort of dreading our first appointment, but I don't have those inner thoughts that something is wrong. Hopefully my intuition is as good as I think it is. We should know if we made it through the first steps in 16 days- which, not by coincidence, is a full moon.

Katie