Thursday, July 28, 2016

14 Weeks

This past Sunday, I started week 14. The nausea at night is getting a lot better, and I'm starting to get my energy back. I looked back on pictures of when I was pregnant with our daughter, and I am now about the size I was at 20 weeks with her. Which reminds me- I really need to buy new clothes. . .

Today was my doctor's appointment. It was an easy one, one I get really annoyed about. Drive 45 minutes for a 5 minute appointment- weight, vitals, fetal heart beat, any questions, schedule next appointment. However, with this pregnancy, I really really dread my appointments. Each time, I just sit there expecting to get told bad news. Today, I just had a feeling the doctor was going to say, "I'm sorry, I can not find the heartbeat." I have a fetal heart Doppler at home from when I was pregnant with C, and I figured I would use it daily. No. It is a bittersweet item to have. I do check it once a week, but each time it brings out anxiety about not being able to find it. So today, at my appointment, as I was laying there as she tried to find the heartbeat, she searched. And searched. I watched the clock- why they put those in the room is beyond me. It took her 2 minutes and 43 seconds to find it. I was holding my breath, trying to tell C to be quiet (she never stops talking), as I struggled to listen, just begging to hear the little flutter. She finally found it. I wonder if she thinks I am cold or something, because I did smile, but my facial expression was more relieved than happy/excited like it was every time with C. 

It is easy to go on with life and pretend I am comfortable with everything and relieved I have made it this far. But I am not naive- you can lose a baby at any stage of pregnancy. This is going to be a constant battle or emotion until delivery is over. And it is so draining. And it is hard to hide, but I am tired of the remarks and responses people give when I express my concerns. So they are all internal. Which, for me, makes it really hard. 

If you know someone who is going through a miscarriage, who has gone through one, or who is pregnant after one- don't dismiss or downplay their feelings of concern or sadness or anxiety. You may be trying to help ease their mind, but you come off as an annoying asshole. Especially if you have never been through this hell yourself. I am sorry to get defensive, but it isn't helpful. Please, just show support- even by just saying, "I'm sorry, if there is anything I can help with let me know. I am here."

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