17 Weeks

Sunday turned over into week 17. For about a week and a half now, I have felt little flicks in my lower right side (where I always find the baby's heartbeat), so I figured it was the little movements. Last night after work, I ised our Doppler to find the heartbeat. It had been a while, and I just had a feeling that I needed to. I immediately found it- 140s-150s. It was hard to pick up a number because you could hear the little blips of the baby kicking, and it was going crazy!! It was weird, and comforting because with each blip you heard, I could feel it in my belly. Jesse came over and put his hand right by the Doppler, and was even able to feel a really strong one! I know with Charlie he couldn't feel the kicks until week 21 or 22. So that was really relieving.

At work last week, I used the new bladder scanner on myself- the screen appears as a sonogram, not like the old screen that looks sort of like a colorfully drawn map. I actually found the little baby! The picture wasn't great, since it isn't made for looking at fetuses, but you could see the little arm and body and the cord. At the bottom of the screen it has a measurement, and I thought it said 3.4cm. I stewed on it, and freaked out. A 16 week old fetus needs to be a lot larger than 3.4cm. I was so worried- what if the baby had stopped growing? What if I was the one who found it by freak accident using a piece of equipment at work that I shouldn't have been? Ugh. So I looked back at the pictures, and it said 34cm, not 3.4cm. And it was the area of the picture it took. I looked it up, the baby should be about 11-13cm, so that makes a lot more sense. This next ultrasound cannot come soon enough.

Although I am 17 weeks, so far everything is normal and healthy, almost halfway to the end, it never escapes my mind that something can happen at any minute. You would think I would be excited to use the Doppler. I am actually very nervous. I almost prepare myself each time to not find the heartbeat. And go through what all would have to happen next. Unfortunately, loss can happen after the first trimester, and that fear is never going to disappear. At least until this baby is delivered.

15 Weeks

On Sunday I turned over into week 15. It was an emotionally stressful day for me. Episodes of crying and frustration. Maybe I had just had it with some things. Maybe it wasn't rational. But as I drove home from work last night, it hit me. Sunday was the due date of the baby we lost in December. Earlier in July I had a moment of thinking, "wow, I could potentially be sitting at home right now holding our newborn." I didn't give too much thought, as I used mindfulness thinking to redirect my thoughts to, "Our baby is healthy and still inside me. We will hold him/her in January." However, I think subconsciously my body just new Sunday that there was a void. I have said it before, but I feel that my body has good intuition. It new that I needed to mourn this day. Yes, I am grateful I have our daughter, and that I am pregnant with a healthy baby. But that doesn't take the hurt of pregnancy loss away. Nothing ever will. Time will help me deal and process it, but I will take these losses to the grave (well, figuratively speaking- I'm not going to be buried, but that is neither her nor there).

I mentioned in my first post that I am a nurse. I work on a Medical Surgical step-down unit. Next week is my last week here, as I am moving forward with my career goal of becoming a Lactation Consultant. I am moving to the Mother/Infant unit. On this unit, there is a high rate of infants going through withdrawal, as well as Children Services issues. So that will be a little difficult to deal with, but there will also be mothers there who have just suffered a loss similar to mine. I am kind of looking forward to those days. Where I can offer to sit with her, and hold her hand if she needs it. Or even offer a simple, "I'm sorry for your loss." It really does help on some level speaking to someone else who has experienced it. It is an odd sisterhood, not necessarily one you want to join, but glad it is there when you need to grieve.

Just know, if you are struggling with grief from loss, there are a lot of us out there, who share our story in hopes you may find some sort of comfort. You will find blogs and social media resources. Reaching out is awkward, but sometimes it is worth it.