Sunday, January 15, 2017

Delivery Day

Wow, I have been horrible about updating! Life happens I guess.

Today I am 39 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. It was an uneventful pregnancy. However, I struggled internally quite a bit. I worried every day, never trusting my body. It's a horrible feeling, at least for me. I tried not to dwell on thoughts or feelings, and knew that it was annoying hearing only negative/worry come out of my mouth, so I internalized a lot of what I was feeling- even from my husband. We all know how it ends when a female internalizes feelings- they will all come erupting out in a huge volcanic eruption randomly one day, yet we continue to think it's the best option (insert eye-roll). But anyway, I was just trying to explain that this pregnancy has been difficult emotionally for me, and I cannot wait to hold baby girl.

Friday at my 38 week appointment, the doc told me I was 3cm and offered to induce me at 39 weeks. Two days from then. She caught me off guard, and I panicked a bit. I ended up deciding to agree to the induction and had it scheduled. I went to work yesterday, because what else would I do? One nurse completely made me feel like shit for doing an induction before my due date. I just smiled and said "I know, I guess I'm selfish." The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. We all have different experiences. Yes, part of me does feel guilty for not allowing my body to do its thing and go into labor naturally. HOWEVER- have I mentioned that I have lost trust in my body? Have I mentioned that this whole pregnancy I have felt that this baby is not safe until she is born and out of this body which has let me down 3 times in a year? So when my doctor offers the opportunity to induce me 1 week before my due date (do we are talking full term to a healthy baby with a healthy pregnancy on baby number 2) I discussed it with my husband and family, and really thought about it and agreed. You may not agree with this, and honestly I never ever thought I would choose induction unless medically necessary or for post dates. . . But I never thought I would have multiple miscarriages either.

So anyway, in a few hours we go to the hospital to get started. I slept for a few hours and now I'm wide away with anticipation and anxiety. I am beyond excited to see baby girl, but am very anxious about the induction and how it will go, and then of course the delivery. I am always aware of what could go wrong- especially being a nurse. So this will be an emotional day on many different levels.

At some time today, I will be the mother of 2 little girls, and there is no words I can think of to describe that feeling. I will *hopefully* update on the labor and delivery in a couple days. Until then, please think positive thoughts towards this very anticipated day.

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