I have been slacking with blogging, but it was the last thing on my mind. I have also been slacking on self care and taking time for doing what I need to do for myself. I need to do better about that- even if it is just 5 minutes.
So, a little update. We are having another girl:) we are very exited, and so is our daughter. This baby is carrying super low, and moves all of the time- which is incredibly reassuring. Everything is going smoothly.
I have mentioned before, I think, that I'm a nurse. I recently switched units to a postpartum unit- and I am in love. However. I recently had to get certified forNEP- basically CPR for newborns. It consists of studying, taking multiple tests, and going to a class where you work as a team and run through scenarios proving you know what steps/interventions to take. I didn't think anything about it at first, but the more I got into it the more anxious I got. I was at the hospital I would deliver at, my instructor was a labor and delivery nurse who could potentially be my nurse, while I was learning how to revive newborns. Not what a mom of loss being pregnant wants to think about. I got through it, passed, and was able to calm down, but my anxiety level was pretty high for a couple days. Cue the realization that I need to really take time for myself and relax and destress.
Today, some co-workers were telling me about a ring test to tell you how many kids you will have in your life, and their genders in order- and it also is supposed to show lost babies. So naturally, I was intrigued. Well, here is what the ring said. Girl, girl, neutral, boy, girl. First girl would be our daughter. Second girl would by my loss. Neutral would be the blighted ovum- which technically there is no baby, so there is no gender to tell. Boy would be my 3rd loss. Girl would be my current pregnancy. I was oddly comforted knowing what my lost babies were. A girl and a boy. It doesn't make it better, but I thought about it on my way home from work (my hour drive), and it makes me want to name them. Maybe help bring about more sense of closure. I will have to sleep on it and think about it first, and of course discuss it with my husband- after all, they are his babies too and his losses as well.
Speaking of- I think we forget that men feel loss too. Differently, of course, but they do. So let's remember to be sensitive to the men who feel loss as well as the women. They are probably in a hard place- grieving but also trying to stay strong for her. Basically it is a shitty situation for everyone.
Alright, I digress enough and I am tired and hungry and have to get up and do it all over tomorrow. I will try to be better about blogging. I will be more adamant about giving myself and body the time it deserves. And I will start with going to bed right now and getting a good night's sleep.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Friday, September 9, 2016
20 Weeks 5 Days
Everything has been going great. I have started nesting, that's for sure. I have also been feeling a lot of movement since sometime in week 17- which is a lot earlier than with my daughter. I am wondering if the placenta attached to the back of my uterus because of this, and also how the movements feel. Jesse has felt kicks a few times, they always seem to stop when he tried to feel. Our daughter had felt them too. She laughs and thinks it's funny that the baby kicked her. She is being amazing, and always wants to touch my belly and asks daily to hold the baby. Hopefully this continues after baby is here!
We have our anatomy scan today. I am so nervous. I always expect the worst, so on days of my doctor's appointments I'm not in the best mood. We will be finding out the sex today too, which we didn't with our daughter. I'm incredibly anxious about that as well. I am just afraid with my anxiety and fear that I will have a horrible reaction and come off like I'm not excited- which I honestly don't care. But like any human (or woman), my emotions sometimes take over. I really have no feeling about what the baby is, and I didn't with our daughter either. I'm hoping for a healthy baby who has no anomalies and that the next 18/19 weeks goes quickly!
We have our anatomy scan today. I am so nervous. I always expect the worst, so on days of my doctor's appointments I'm not in the best mood. We will be finding out the sex today too, which we didn't with our daughter. I'm incredibly anxious about that as well. I am just afraid with my anxiety and fear that I will have a horrible reaction and come off like I'm not excited- which I honestly don't care. But like any human (or woman), my emotions sometimes take over. I really have no feeling about what the baby is, and I didn't with our daughter either. I'm hoping for a healthy baby who has no anomalies and that the next 18/19 weeks goes quickly!
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
17 Weeks
Sunday turned over into week 17. For about a week and a half now, I have felt little flicks in my lower right side (where I always find the baby's heartbeat), so I figured it was the little movements. Last night after work, I ised our Doppler to find the heartbeat. It had been a while, and I just had a feeling that I needed to. I immediately found it- 140s-150s. It was hard to pick up a number because you could hear the little blips of the baby kicking, and it was going crazy!! It was weird, and comforting because with each blip you heard, I could feel it in my belly. Jesse came over and put his hand right by the Doppler, and was even able to feel a really strong one! I know with Charlie he couldn't feel the kicks until week 21 or 22. So that was really relieving.
At work last week, I used the new bladder scanner on myself- the screen appears as a sonogram, not like the old screen that looks sort of like a colorfully drawn map. I actually found the little baby! The picture wasn't great, since it isn't made for looking at fetuses, but you could see the little arm and body and the cord. At the bottom of the screen it has a measurement, and I thought it said 3.4cm. I stewed on it, and freaked out. A 16 week old fetus needs to be a lot larger than 3.4cm. I was so worried- what if the baby had stopped growing? What if I was the one who found it by freak accident using a piece of equipment at work that I shouldn't have been? Ugh. So I looked back at the pictures, and it said 34cm, not 3.4cm. And it was the area of the picture it took. I looked it up, the baby should be about 11-13cm, so that makes a lot more sense. This next ultrasound cannot come soon enough.
Although I am 17 weeks, so far everything is normal and healthy, almost halfway to the end, it never escapes my mind that something can happen at any minute. You would think I would be excited to use the Doppler. I am actually very nervous. I almost prepare myself each time to not find the heartbeat. And go through what all would have to happen next. Unfortunately, loss can happen after the first trimester, and that fear is never going to disappear. At least until this baby is delivered.
At work last week, I used the new bladder scanner on myself- the screen appears as a sonogram, not like the old screen that looks sort of like a colorfully drawn map. I actually found the little baby! The picture wasn't great, since it isn't made for looking at fetuses, but you could see the little arm and body and the cord. At the bottom of the screen it has a measurement, and I thought it said 3.4cm. I stewed on it, and freaked out. A 16 week old fetus needs to be a lot larger than 3.4cm. I was so worried- what if the baby had stopped growing? What if I was the one who found it by freak accident using a piece of equipment at work that I shouldn't have been? Ugh. So I looked back at the pictures, and it said 34cm, not 3.4cm. And it was the area of the picture it took. I looked it up, the baby should be about 11-13cm, so that makes a lot more sense. This next ultrasound cannot come soon enough.
Although I am 17 weeks, so far everything is normal and healthy, almost halfway to the end, it never escapes my mind that something can happen at any minute. You would think I would be excited to use the Doppler. I am actually very nervous. I almost prepare myself each time to not find the heartbeat. And go through what all would have to happen next. Unfortunately, loss can happen after the first trimester, and that fear is never going to disappear. At least until this baby is delivered.
Thursday, August 4, 2016
15 Weeks
On Sunday I turned over into week 15. It was an emotionally stressful day for me. Episodes of crying and frustration. Maybe I had just had it with some things. Maybe it wasn't rational. But as I drove home from work last night, it hit me. Sunday was the due date of the baby we lost in December. Earlier in July I had a moment of thinking, "wow, I could potentially be sitting at home right now holding our newborn." I didn't give too much thought, as I used mindfulness thinking to redirect my thoughts to, "Our baby is healthy and still inside me. We will hold him/her in January." However, I think subconsciously my body just new Sunday that there was a void. I have said it before, but I feel that my body has good intuition. It new that I needed to mourn this day. Yes, I am grateful I have our daughter, and that I am pregnant with a healthy baby. But that doesn't take the hurt of pregnancy loss away. Nothing ever will. Time will help me deal and process it, but I will take these losses to the grave (well, figuratively speaking- I'm not going to be buried, but that is neither her nor there).
I mentioned in my first post that I am a nurse. I work on a Medical Surgical step-down unit. Next week is my last week here, as I am moving forward with my career goal of becoming a Lactation Consultant. I am moving to the Mother/Infant unit. On this unit, there is a high rate of infants going through withdrawal, as well as Children Services issues. So that will be a little difficult to deal with, but there will also be mothers there who have just suffered a loss similar to mine. I am kind of looking forward to those days. Where I can offer to sit with her, and hold her hand if she needs it. Or even offer a simple, "I'm sorry for your loss." It really does help on some level speaking to someone else who has experienced it. It is an odd sisterhood, not necessarily one you want to join, but glad it is there when you need to grieve.
Just know, if you are struggling with grief from loss, there are a lot of us out there, who share our story in hopes you may find some sort of comfort. You will find blogs and social media resources. Reaching out is awkward, but sometimes it is worth it.
I mentioned in my first post that I am a nurse. I work on a Medical Surgical step-down unit. Next week is my last week here, as I am moving forward with my career goal of becoming a Lactation Consultant. I am moving to the Mother/Infant unit. On this unit, there is a high rate of infants going through withdrawal, as well as Children Services issues. So that will be a little difficult to deal with, but there will also be mothers there who have just suffered a loss similar to mine. I am kind of looking forward to those days. Where I can offer to sit with her, and hold her hand if she needs it. Or even offer a simple, "I'm sorry for your loss." It really does help on some level speaking to someone else who has experienced it. It is an odd sisterhood, not necessarily one you want to join, but glad it is there when you need to grieve.
Just know, if you are struggling with grief from loss, there are a lot of us out there, who share our story in hopes you may find some sort of comfort. You will find blogs and social media resources. Reaching out is awkward, but sometimes it is worth it.
Thursday, July 28, 2016
14 Weeks
This past Sunday, I started week 14. The nausea at night is getting a lot better, and I'm starting to get my energy back. I looked back on pictures of when I was pregnant with our daughter, and I am now about the size I was at 20 weeks with her. Which reminds me- I really need to buy new clothes. . .
Today was my doctor's appointment. It was an easy one, one I get really annoyed about. Drive 45 minutes for a 5 minute appointment- weight, vitals, fetal heart beat, any questions, schedule next appointment. However, with this pregnancy, I really really dread my appointments. Each time, I just sit there expecting to get told bad news. Today, I just had a feeling the doctor was going to say, "I'm sorry, I can not find the heartbeat." I have a fetal heart Doppler at home from when I was pregnant with C, and I figured I would use it daily. No. It is a bittersweet item to have. I do check it once a week, but each time it brings out anxiety about not being able to find it. So today, at my appointment, as I was laying there as she tried to find the heartbeat, she searched. And searched. I watched the clock- why they put those in the room is beyond me. It took her 2 minutes and 43 seconds to find it. I was holding my breath, trying to tell C to be quiet (she never stops talking), as I struggled to listen, just begging to hear the little flutter. She finally found it. I wonder if she thinks I am cold or something, because I did smile, but my facial expression was more relieved than happy/excited like it was every time with C.
It is easy to go on with life and pretend I am comfortable with everything and relieved I have made it this far. But I am not naive- you can lose a baby at any stage of pregnancy. This is going to be a constant battle or emotion until delivery is over. And it is so draining. And it is hard to hide, but I am tired of the remarks and responses people give when I express my concerns. So they are all internal. Which, for me, makes it really hard.
If you know someone who is going through a miscarriage, who has gone through one, or who is pregnant after one- don't dismiss or downplay their feelings of concern or sadness or anxiety. You may be trying to help ease their mind, but you come off as an annoying asshole. Especially if you have never been through this hell yourself. I am sorry to get defensive, but it isn't helpful. Please, just show support- even by just saying, "I'm sorry, if there is anything I can help with let me know. I am here."
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Mommy Guilt
I am going to touch a little on some mommy guilt I have experienced. Yes, all moms probably have it to some degree, but this is a little different. Already, as I am typing this my eyes are welling up. When I experienced my losses, as I have expressed before, I was overcome by emotions. Especially sadness and grief. I just lossed a baby. And then another. And then another. All within a few short months. It is awful. I can now talk about all of them without crying, but it is still hard sometimes. I would be full term with one of them now, due to deliver any week now. Hard pill to swallow. But how am I allowed to be so heartbroken over this? I already have a child. Am I allowed to feel so down about these losses? All I want to do is go to bed and just sleep for a few weeks (when this was all happening. I mean, extra sleep couldn't hurt me now, right- with a toddler and being 11 weeks pregnant?) but that isn't happening. I have to take care of my toddler. I have a job and reaponsibilities. Yes, I am fortunate enough to have a husband who is very active in our daughter's life, but having said that, she is very much a mama's girl. So most of the time, it's me she wants to do things with. And I feel guilty about that- I shouldn't WANT to not do those things. But sometimes, it would be nice to be able to grieve like I need to. I just felt, and still do, feel so guilty about all the emotions going along with those losses. Please understand that my daughter is everything, and I love her so much, but sometimes it would just be nice to be able to breathe. And cry. By myself.
Another part of this mom guilt I am experiencing is with this new pregnancy. What a whole new ballgame from my first. With her, I enjoyed every minute, even when I felt like shit and was throwing up. Every pain I felt, "oh that's just my body stretching and doing what it needs." I loved it. I was calm and happy. Now? I feel one tiny discomfort and I run. Running in my mind as to where things can go, run to the bathroom to see if I am bleeding. I feel guilty that I am stressed and not able to enjoy this pregnancy like the last. I am constantly worrying. It isn't fair for this baby to have that kind of negativity. I try everything I can to fight that. Unfortunately, I don't think I will stop until the baby is actually born.
For a little update- I am currently 11 weeks 4 days and everything is fine. Still sick/uncomfortable in the afternoon and evenings, but it is definitely getting better. This past weekend I had to start wearing my belly band, as my pants were just not going to button. So I'm obviously starting to show earlier- I started wearing them at like 13-14 weeks with our daughter. So fingers crossed things continue this way.
Katie
Another part of this mom guilt I am experiencing is with this new pregnancy. What a whole new ballgame from my first. With her, I enjoyed every minute, even when I felt like shit and was throwing up. Every pain I felt, "oh that's just my body stretching and doing what it needs." I loved it. I was calm and happy. Now? I feel one tiny discomfort and I run. Running in my mind as to where things can go, run to the bathroom to see if I am bleeding. I feel guilty that I am stressed and not able to enjoy this pregnancy like the last. I am constantly worrying. It isn't fair for this baby to have that kind of negativity. I try everything I can to fight that. Unfortunately, I don't think I will stop until the baby is actually born.
For a little update- I am currently 11 weeks 4 days and everything is fine. Still sick/uncomfortable in the afternoon and evenings, but it is definitely getting better. This past weekend I had to start wearing my belly band, as my pants were just not going to button. So I'm obviously starting to show earlier- I started wearing them at like 13-14 weeks with our daughter. So fingers crossed things continue this way.
Katie
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
10 Weeks
Sunday I turned 10 weeks pregnant. Everything is going well- nausea and really uncomfortable in the late afternoon/evening, exhaustion, etc. All normal, healthy signs of pregnancy. Saturday I tried to use my Doppler again, and I did find the heartbeat! At first it was too faint to pick up the rate, but I guessed it was 150s-160s. Later Saturday morning I found it again, and it picked up the rate, and was 166/165 bpm. Our daughter was consistently 160s when we listened to her.
With our first, we did not find out the sex. It was so fun to be surprised, and we did a bunch of the old wives tales to guess what we were having (14/19 said girl, so I think they were pretty accurate). This time, Jesse is really wanting to find out, so I may let him have this one. He thinks it is a girl just from the heartrate, but that is the only reason he thinks girl. Our daughter has named the baby "Bobby," for some reason. I don't know where she heard the name and why she latched on to it. But when I asked who Bobby was, yesterday she replied, "the baby in the baby mommy. The baby sister." So I guess she thinks it's a girl too.
Finding the heartbeat is very relieving and comforting. And now I know it should be there, so when I check and don't find it immediately I know I get a little worked up, but that's expected. I am hoping it never comes down to me not finding it. This can be a huge comfort luxury, that I can check whenever I want, but it can also be an anxiety issue too. So here is to trying to relax and enjoy these little steping stones to meeting our baby.
Katie
With our first, we did not find out the sex. It was so fun to be surprised, and we did a bunch of the old wives tales to guess what we were having (14/19 said girl, so I think they were pretty accurate). This time, Jesse is really wanting to find out, so I may let him have this one. He thinks it is a girl just from the heartrate, but that is the only reason he thinks girl. Our daughter has named the baby "Bobby," for some reason. I don't know where she heard the name and why she latched on to it. But when I asked who Bobby was, yesterday she replied, "the baby in the baby mommy. The baby sister." So I guess she thinks it's a girl too.
Finding the heartbeat is very relieving and comforting. And now I know it should be there, so when I check and don't find it immediately I know I get a little worked up, but that's expected. I am hoping it never comes down to me not finding it. This can be a huge comfort luxury, that I can check whenever I want, but it can also be an anxiety issue too. So here is to trying to relax and enjoy these little steping stones to meeting our baby.
Katie
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