14 Weeks

This past Sunday, I started week 14. The nausea at night is getting a lot better, and I'm starting to get my energy back. I looked back on pictures of when I was pregnant with our daughter, and I am now about the size I was at 20 weeks with her. Which reminds me- I really need to buy new clothes. . .

Today was my doctor's appointment. It was an easy one, one I get really annoyed about. Drive 45 minutes for a 5 minute appointment- weight, vitals, fetal heart beat, any questions, schedule next appointment. However, with this pregnancy, I really really dread my appointments. Each time, I just sit there expecting to get told bad news. Today, I just had a feeling the doctor was going to say, "I'm sorry, I can not find the heartbeat." I have a fetal heart Doppler at home from when I was pregnant with C, and I figured I would use it daily. No. It is a bittersweet item to have. I do check it once a week, but each time it brings out anxiety about not being able to find it. So today, at my appointment, as I was laying there as she tried to find the heartbeat, she searched. And searched. I watched the clock- why they put those in the room is beyond me. It took her 2 minutes and 43 seconds to find it. I was holding my breath, trying to tell C to be quiet (she never stops talking), as I struggled to listen, just begging to hear the little flutter. She finally found it. I wonder if she thinks I am cold or something, because I did smile, but my facial expression was more relieved than happy/excited like it was every time with C. 

It is easy to go on with life and pretend I am comfortable with everything and relieved I have made it this far. But I am not naive- you can lose a baby at any stage of pregnancy. This is going to be a constant battle or emotion until delivery is over. And it is so draining. And it is hard to hide, but I am tired of the remarks and responses people give when I express my concerns. So they are all internal. Which, for me, makes it really hard. 

If you know someone who is going through a miscarriage, who has gone through one, or who is pregnant after one- don't dismiss or downplay their feelings of concern or sadness or anxiety. You may be trying to help ease their mind, but you come off as an annoying asshole. Especially if you have never been through this hell yourself. I am sorry to get defensive, but it isn't helpful. Please, just show support- even by just saying, "I'm sorry, if there is anything I can help with let me know. I am here."

Mommy Guilt

I am going to touch a little on some mommy guilt I have experienced. Yes, all moms probably have it to some degree, but this is a little different. Already, as I am typing this my eyes are welling up. When I experienced my losses, as I have expressed before, I was overcome by emotions. Especially sadness and grief. I just lossed a baby. And then another. And then another. All within a few short months. It is awful. I can now talk about all of them without crying, but it is still hard sometimes. I would be full term with one of them now, due to deliver any week now. Hard pill to swallow. But how am I allowed to be so heartbroken over this? I already have a child. Am I allowed to feel so down about these losses? All I want to do is go to bed and just sleep for a few weeks (when this was all happening. I mean, extra sleep couldn't hurt me now, right- with a toddler and being 11 weeks pregnant?) but that isn't happening. I have to take care of my toddler. I have a job and reaponsibilities. Yes, I am fortunate enough to have a husband who is very active in our daughter's life, but having said that, she is very much a mama's girl. So most of the time, it's me she wants to do things with. And I feel guilty about that- I shouldn't WANT to not do those things. But sometimes, it would be nice to be able to grieve like I need to. I just felt, and still do, feel so guilty about all the emotions going along with those losses. Please understand that my daughter is everything, and I love her so much, but sometimes it would just be nice to be able to breathe. And cry. By myself.
Another part of this mom guilt I am experiencing is with this new pregnancy. What a whole new ballgame from my first. With her, I enjoyed every minute, even when I felt like shit and was throwing up. Every pain I felt, "oh that's just my body stretching and doing what it needs." I loved it. I was calm and happy. Now? I feel one tiny discomfort and I run. Running in my mind as to where things can go, run to the bathroom to see if I am bleeding. I feel guilty that I am stressed and not able to enjoy this pregnancy like the last. I am constantly worrying. It isn't fair for this baby to have that kind of negativity. I try everything I can to fight that. Unfortunately, I don't think I will stop until the baby is actually born.
For a little update- I am currently 11 weeks 4 days and everything is fine. Still sick/uncomfortable in the afternoon and evenings, but it is definitely getting better. This past weekend I had to start wearing my belly band, as my pants were just not going to button. So I'm obviously starting to show earlier- I started wearing them at like 13-14 weeks with our daughter. So fingers crossed things continue this way.

Katie